This summer I went out to San Diego for a wedding. California, where the weather is nice, the beaches are beautiful and, apparently, sting rays like to stab you in the bottom of the foot (I refuse to call it a sting, it was a stabbing). Thankfully it didn't take my wallet.
That's right I stepped on a stingray and it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced that wasn't having my heartbroken in tenth grade. Their tails have poison in it which injects into your body with excruciating efficiency. Where was I when I was stung? On a nude beach, naturally, so as I was writhing around in the sand, scores of out-of-shape naked people gathered around me to try and help. "Pee on him!" they screamed. (Everyone has seen that Friends episode where Joey gets stung by a jellyfish right?) This is it, I thought, I'm going to die surrounded by tubby naked folk. As I prayed to God to die, a lifeguard intervened. He had a cooler full of scalding hot water with which he poured into a hole and told me to submerge my foot. Now I'm screaming as the venom courses through my blood AND I've put my foot in what I can only describe as molten lava water from the core of the earth. I'll never forget the lifeguard's words of wisdom which I'll carry to this day, "You're gonna feel gnarly for about 45 minutes, and then, after 45 minutes, not gonna feel so gnarly anymore." For at least an hour I was in excruciating pain until, finally it subsided. And I live.
I've got a nice little triangle scar where I was stabbed. The wound is kind of like a reminder never to enter the ocean again. The only solace I find is that a friend of mine sent me a video of a man who got stabbed by a sting ray through the penis months ago . And I used to pity myself...
Anyway, when I was stabbed I went to get my foot X-rayed to ensure there were no pieces of the barb still in my foot, luckily for me, there were not; however, today I received a bill for $315 for going to the emergency room and getting the X-ray done after insurance. What did we learn? #1 Never go to the Emergency room - I don't care if you have a pipe stuck in the side of your head, deal with it. #2 invent your own X-ray machine. #3 Didn't Crocodile Dundee used to suck the venom out of any wound? Just find a good friend and let them hoover you to fruition.